My non-binary identity 
If you’re wondering what ‘non-binary’ means or would like to know more about my gender identity journey, you’ve come to the right place! I'm thrilled to finally share my story openly after spending so many years in the closet.
Content Warning (CW): This post discusses suicidal ideation.
To ensure we're on the same page, let's start with some definitions and further reading resources (courtesy of Scarleteen.com). Familiarizing yourself with these terms will help you better understand my experiences and the language I use to describe them.
Gender: Characteristics that are seen or presented as distinguishing between male and female in a society. Gender may or may not include assigned or chosen: social roles, feelings, behaviors and/or presentation or appearance.
Sex: A way people, animals or plants are classified based on their chromosomes, genitals or reproductive organs.
Transgender: Describes people who find that the gender applied to them because of the sex they were assigned at birth is incorrect.
Non-binary: A gender identity that is outside the gender binary.
Queer: In the context of sexuality, a broad term for sexual orientation that can describe any number of orientations which are not heterosexual. People who identify as queer may be bisexual or pansexual, gay or lesbian, questioning, asexual or more.
My story
As a child, I didn't give much thought to my gender. I was a girl and that was it. I knew I was supposed to be one, just as I knew my name. But that was it. I knew that I was born a girl but I didn’t feel like it. I felt like I was a ‘genderless’ person; if I was born the opposite sex, it wouldn’t have changed at all how I felt about myself. I didn’t have the word for it.
I vividly remember feeling a sense of injustice at being born a woman when I was around ten. I wished I was a boy, not because I felt like one, but because I believed it was the "superior" choice. I could play and talk with boys my age without any second thoughts or weird looks from girls. I even felt a surge of energy when strangers mistook me for a boy, thinking it must be an answer to my prayers.
Puberty was a difficult time. It was around then that my depression started to grow, along with deep self-hatred. I hated my body and every change it went through. It felt like a reminder that I was stuck in a body I didn't choose, and it was incapacitating. A close friend told me I looked like a boy in a skirt, which wasn't a compliment. It pushed me to overperform femininity to "prove" I was a girl. I wore skirts and dresses to "fit in," but it felt fake. I felt fake.
That's why Mulan was my favorite Disney movie as a kid; I believed the only way to restore my sense of worth was to be a man, because I failed miserably at being a woman.
When I was 13, I read "What You Can Change and What You Can't" by Martin E.P. Seligman. I vividly remember it because the book's preface stated that its intended audience was me (within the age bracket), and that statement couldn’t be more truthful.
When I read the depression and anxiety section and did the tests, I was very surprised to score highly. I thought the book was defective, so I measured my score and drew charts to track my mood evolution. For the first time, I learned that I was suicidal; I frequently daydreamed about being run over by a car and wishing it would end me in a single blow when walking home. For the first time, I've learnt that this was not a normal thought for a kid to have. When I talked about these feelings with my parents, despite their best interest at heart, they dismissed them, telling me “children don’t feel stress, their sadness is small. Wait until you grow up” or “Don’t say horrible things/don’t talk about death.” This books gave me the vocabulary for many things I’ve experienced… and was the starting point of my self-exploration, including my non-binary identity.
It was the first time I’ve learned about what being transgender means. I wept profusely. I frantically read as much as I could online about it. Because a) it explained what I was going through and I wasn’t alone, and b) It’s a sin and I’m going to hell for it. It pushed me through a rough religious phase where I prayed for two things: a quick, painless, peaceful death in my sleep and to make me “pure” before I die; ie, to make me a girl on the inside as much as I was on the outside. My self-hatred was still persistent, and with nothing to help me manage it, I reached out to the metaphysical for solace, praying for an instant cure.
Then, at around 16, I began to find acceptance. Though I was still suicidal, I gave up on “fixing” myself. I acknowledged that I was not a girl, no matter how hard I had tried to be one. I asked myself why Allah made me the way I am, why did he burdened me with such a curse of feeling inadequate in my own skin. I was starting to feel fatigued after struggling for so many years.
To protect myself, I never used the term non-binary publicly, I kept this new-found acceptance to myself. My diary (since I was 7) has me experimenting with different gendered grammar in English, Arabic and French. I couldn’t deal with explaining myself or justifying if the word came out, so I conformed to the feminine mold I had been assigned, hoping no one would question it.
After excruciating years of self-hate, I enrolled in prépa, rigorous a French-system competitive cram school after high school. To my surprise, I met (in person) a few non-binary and queer folks, who were comfortable in their own skin. It made me felt confident in who I am. On online spaces where I used to pretend I was a boy, I started going with they/them pronouns and it felt validating in being addressed the way I see myself.
I am writing this to finally be true to who I have always been. I have made the decision to come out publicly, despite the fact that my community struggles to understand and accept gender and sexuality as fluid concepts (they are extremely taboo subjects).
If, after reading this, you still refer to me as a girl, I won't be offended. I understand that the world is not always accepting of non-binary identities, and it may take some time for people to adjust. I know I grappled with my own identity for years. My pronouns are they/them, but I won't correct someone who uses she/her or he/him. This is especially true in French and Arabic, where non-gendered pronouns are not commonly used or do not exist.
Burnout & Taking a Gap Year
I feel this is a way for me to come clean and discuss my online disappearance (and, coincidentally, my offline one as well).
I’m still trying to figure things out, and I’m genuinely doing my best to understand what’s going on. However, I believe I’m in a much better place than I used to be.
I remember how clouded my mind was with heavy, dark thoughts and how hopeless I felt. I truly believe I’m feeling better—no, I absolutely know I am doing better. That’s why I’m writing this in the first place.
As I write, I’m trying to find a way to share the news of my gap year in a self-reflective manner. Unfortunately, words are failing me. All I can say with certainty is that this decision has been life-saving for me in more ways than one. I sincerely don’t think I could have made it through without stepping back from school and my responsibilities.
For starters, I’ve been “on the grind”…. for how long, now? Over four long goddamn years. Four years of brainless, soul-sucking studies, mathematics competitions, and everything else going on. Was it fun? A bit. Was it worth it? Absolutely not. Anxiety crippled me and drained the joy from the things I loved most. Naturally, burnout slowly crept in, and by the time I officially set foot in a new college, the black dog followed me everywhere like a shadow.
Thankfully, I received the help I desperately needed, and I’m incredibly grateful to everyone—whether in person, over the phone, or online—who offered comforting words during my lowest moments.
I’m off coursework and books, and better yet, I feel that day by day, the heavy burdens I carried are lessening. I’ve rediscovered colors and joy in what I used to do and in new activities I’ve started. It hasn’t been straightforward, let alone linear; I still have bad days, and sometimes I feel sad or fatigued, but I no longer feel as hopeless or devoid of vitality. My days have started to matter to me, and life has begun to gain meaning—not in a philosophical sense, but in a much more tangible way. I’ve reconnected with my family—whom I didn’t have the opportunity to see much during those two years of cram school—and I’ve also embraced hobbies like drawing, painting, learning Japanese, playing video games, web-building, and doll customization. All of this has brought a welcome new twist after those dark times.
My mind is still on a break from schoolwork and career-focused goals, and as my therapist told me, “it’ll come eventually.” I believe in his advice, and I don’t want to rush things. It’s unfortunate that our current world often values tangible metrics far more than the metaphysical. (Mental and physical) Well-being shouldn’t come at the expense of your career, schoolwork, or goals. Two years ago, I thought anyone who believed that was just looking for “excuses” not to work harder (read: overwork). I had a nasty little worm inside me, the one that always needs to feed and is never satisfied. [The Lorax calls it] “Pride.” But now, I’d gladly sit in the last row if it means I’m comfortable. For now, the greatest thing I want is peace.
Without love, it cannot be seen. Perfection and power are overrated. I think it’s very wise to choose happiness and love.
(I’m also re-watching Avatar btw ;3)
An Adventure at the Forum GENI Entreprises Career Fair
Oh boy, where do I even start? You know that feeling when you’re absolutely EXHAUSTED, but at the same time, you’re buzzing with excitement like a coffee machine that’s brewing its 5th espresso of the day? That, my friends, was me at my very first official career fair: “the 20th edition of Forum GENI Entreprises”, hosted by three prestigious schools of Rabat (ENSIAS, INPT, and INSEA). I was there wearing my “official” ENSIASmag interviewer badge (which, I assure you, I wore metaphorically and literally but with all the pride in the world). Two whirlwind days of pure, unfiltered madness... and, oh, it was worth it!
Now, this event was a networking extravaganza, a career circus (in the best way possible) where ambitious students (and graduates) mingled with professionals, HRs, and even some seriously impressive CEOs. Picture this: It’s like speed dating but instead of love, you're looking for internships, PFEs, PFAs, job offers, and career advice. I think I talked to more people in those two days than I have in a month! I lost track of how many interviews I conducted. There were some “nays” there (and that's okay!), but so many “yays”! And what a pleasure it’s been to talk with them!
Oh my, and let me tell you about the 'Table Ronde' (yep, it sounds fancy because it *was* fancy). It focused on how Moroccan youth can innovate while embracing their identity in our big, globalized world. I was scribbling notes like a madperson. Not just for myself, not just for ENSIASmag, but because it was so. freaking. interesting. I loved it. Every. Single. Second. And guess what? The whole time I’m sitting there in the zone, eyes glued to the speakers, a photographer comes up to me and asks for a photo! (Internally, I’m like, “Wait, me?”). It’s the SECOND time I’ve been snapped looking serious and focused at an event; Moroccan World News featured me once too! I'm starting to think my career may have a surprising photogenic side I never knew about. I even became a mini-celeb among my ENSIASmag clubmates, who shared a good laugh with me about it. Who knew?
But back to the juicy part. I had the privilege (seriously, what a privilege!) to interview some incredible company reps, HR managers, engineers, and, you guessed it, some people so cool I was borderline starstruck. One such interview was with none other than Fouzia Azmi, notorious business speaker and CEO of Zia COMM and host of the podcast MRA o GADDA (if you're into podcasts, please go listen—it's honestly my cup of tea.). And, in a total dream come true, I also got to hear her in action during the Table Ronde! Alongside her were Nizar Berdai (CEO of WeMash Digital), Samira Ahourar (CEO of Digitakal), and Karima Tounsi (fabulous moderator and university professor). It was like being in a masterclass on entrepreneurship and innovation in Morocco.
Let me tell you, the discussions were engaging and thought-provoking. We explored how we, as young Moroccans, can carve out spaces to innovate, thrive, and succeed without losing sight of who we are. And trust me, they didn’t just skim the surface; they dived deep. I was sitting there, heart racing, taking mental (and written) snapshots of every brilliant thing they said. I’ll definitely be summarizing their ideas in a follow-up post (so if you’re curious, stick around for that!).
Of course, I can’t forget the other rockstars of the event: the amazing organizing committee. Hats off to them for pulling off such a well-coordinated and impactful event. It was big. It was bold. It was the career fair of dreams! And to all the wonderful students and graduates who traveled from all corners of Morocco to attend. I see you, and you made this event all the more special. <3
Looking back, those two days were grueling. My feet still ache from all the walking, my voice was practically gone from all the talking, but my heart? Oh, it’s full. Full of gratitude for the experience, the connections made, and the conversations had. Full of ideas and inspiration about where my career might take me. I learned so much, in such a short time. It was like drinking from a fire hose, but in the best, most fulfilling way.
And before I go, I have to give a shout-out to Safaa Assebbane, my dear friend and the most talented photographer I know, who captured the moments that words can’t quite do justice. That photo of me will forever be a reminder of this crazy, exhausting, fantastic experience.
So, here's to career fairs that leave you exhausted but exhilarated. Here’s to the conversations that change you, even in small ways. And here’s to the next edition; I’m already looking forward to it!
Until then, I’ll be over here, writing that summary of the Table Ronde. Catch you soon!
ENSIASmag, lfo9 lfo9
Stepping Back from Epilogue Translations
After giving it some thought, I think I have to step back from translating the Homestuck epilogues... As much as I love working on them, the sheer length (it's practically as long as the longest Harry Potter books! -- 190,000 words!) combined with my responsibilities in computer science engineering schoolwork *and* extracurricular activities (mostly clubs involvement... or should I say clubS!) has made it tough to keep up. I've already translated the prologue, and I plan to stop after the next update, which will cover the third page of both the CANDY and MEAT routes.
I don't think I'll be able to share my translation notes in a podcast format anymore!
I think I can release them on a written format, along with maybe some new unused suggestions...!
This could also give me the time to cross-publish the translation on MSPFA and AO3. And maybe in the foreseeable future, make some slight edits and proof-reading to the already existing translations.
But it's not all bad news, and the Homestuck content isn't leaving this website any time soon. (The Homestuck brain tumor is still alive and well). I'll continue to translate the Paradox Space comics on a weekly basis, as they are much more manageable alongside my current workload.
I've learnt a LOT, and I'm just happy I got to use the (very humble) English-French translation knowledge to a personal project.
Thank you everyone!! :D
A Transformative Evening
Tonight, I made the (great) decision to get out of bed and attend the club recruitment event. I’m now enrolled in three clubs:
I really wish I could thank them for their warm welcome. One moment that felt particularly amazing was when a friend I had just met yesterday came up to me, and we had such a normal conversation. I missed that—because when you’re stuck in a strange loop, you can lose touch with even the simplest of things.
I also thought about this sweet girl I met during my first freshman week. Her enthusiasm was contagious, and she really cheered me up. <3
What I liked most about ENSIASMAG was the closeness. I didn’t feel separated from them. We sat and talked, and the chairs were so close together that it didn’t feel like I was in some kind of interrogation. On top of that, I must have made a lasting impression on them... they even checked out this (silly) blog!
There’s something about hearing people call me "Abby"—the name I chose for myself—that just feels right. It struck me deeply, like the resonance of a violin string perfectly in tune. I felt seen, and that’s a feeling I never knew I craved.
The warmth and kindness of the people I met was overwhelming in the best way. To be honest, I wasn’t in the best place mentally to socialize, but they were wonderful. Even if it was just a few minutes, they managed to bring life into moments that had felt lost for a long time.
I’m feeling hopeful again, and that’s a feeling I don’t want to let go of.
Teaching (Graph Theory) is Cool... But the Real World isn't
Today was a mixed bag of emotions. I just finished explaining graph theory to my roommates, and it felt incredibly rewarding. There’s something special about sharing knowledge and seeing the light bulb moments in others’ eyes. I really enjoy helping people understand concepts, no matter how complex they may seem, and it reminded me of how much I’ve grown to love mathematics... It's incredibly rewarding...!!!
But then there’s this lingering sadness creeping in. I’ve realized that graph theory might not be something we’ll use much in the professional world. It’s hard to let go of something I’ve grown fond of (mathematics), especially when it feels like it’s not valued outside the classroom or books or silly math competitions... I mean, yeah, I can still do it as a 'hobby' and like... do stuff for fun...
I dunno... if I teach for a living, I guess I could be a university professor... BUT that idea is daunting. I know it’s not the most lucrative path (engineering wise), and so much of your worth seems tied to what you publish rather than the impact you have on students.
I wish things were simpler. I just want to be happy and do what I love without constantly worrying about the future or societal expectations. Why can’t passion and practicality coexist more easily? UGH! It’s frustrating, but I guess all I can do is keep exploring my interests and hope that something will click.
Here’s to finding joy in the journey, no matter how winding it may be.
Week 2: Adjustments, Cats, and a Whole Lot of Learning
Oh gosh, I’ve spent like 300 MAD on a delivery and only later realized that it might have been a big waste of money. I’ve never cooked for myself before! Back when I was in prep school (prépa), I never cooked! Last week, I barely ate... mostly survived on tuna boxes for lunch, bread and oil for breakfasts... and no dinner... and bananas too. So, I decided to turn it around and go shop for some veggies with delivery, and now I feel kind of sad. I could have gotten the same stuff for half the price if I’d just gone by myself or asked my family for help. Feeling dumb about it, honestly. I've been tracking my expenses to keep them in check, but I just realized 98% of my money is going to food... The other 2% went to cheap hangers and three notebooks. Having no cafeteria at school is tough.
Then there's laundry... last week, I tried washing my clothes with bleach—and yep, I ruined two of my favorite shirts, including the green slime ghost John Egbert one. I feel even dumber now. I guess you can be school-smart and still be a dumbass when it comes to these things. But, I think I should give myself a bit of credit. It's okay to mess up. It’s all new to me, and unlike school tests, you don't get time to study for these life tests. You learn through the tests. And honestly, I’m just grateful the damage wasn’t worse. Like today—while I wasn’t looking, a cat came by and took a bit of my salad! I couldn't get mad at her, though. She probably smelled the nice boiled egg. So instead, I gave her a little pat on the head and played with her after eating. I just can’t get mad at cats!
This week has been a bit overwhelming. It’s only the second week of school, but I’m adapting the best I can. Thankfully, my reflexes from prep school—studying after class, reviewing notes, prepping Anki cards, and doing exercises—are paying off. Some classes are better than others. I breeze through graph theory and probabilities (because math, duh, and I love that), but new subjects like Computer Architecture and C language have been harder. The first Computer Architecture class was super tough, but the second one wasn’t so bad. It reminds me of not understanding a single thing in Engineering Science back in prep school after coming from Natural Science and Medical School prep. And C language... well, new things are always hard. Apparently, it's easy to learn but hard to master—guess I’ll find out soon enough!
I haven’t had much time to chat with my family, and I miss them. I’ve been so busy with all the new information and adjustments that it’s easy to get overwhelmed. But I should give them a call soon; it would be nice to catch up.
I’m grateful, though, that I’ve been able to keep in touch with my friend from school despite the long distance. They’re awesome and have been keeping me company through all this.
Oh, I almost forgot to mention—I’ve been leading a group project on “La Communication Verbale” this week, and I’m so happy with how it turned out! There are three of us, and everyone gave it their best. I’m really proud of my team. To be honest, I kept surprising myself throughout the process. I’ve realized that I’m pretty good at bridging cultural gaps and leading a project to completion. And working on the presentation design in Canva? A TREAT. Graphic design might just be my new passion, honestly.
Wow, writing this out makes me realize how much happened this week—and that’s only the tip of the iceberg. I even got a proofreader for my Homestuck Epilogues translation (yay!!!), and secretly, I’m working on a podcast!!!
Honored to Be Featured on CPGE Paradise
I can't even begin to describe how extremely honored I am to be featured on one of the go-to websites for CPGE resources! It feels incredible to have my work linked on cpge-paradise.com. The recognition means so much to me, and I'm genuinely grateful for the opportunity to contribute something meaningful to this amazing platform.
As the saying goes: "Stand on the shoulders of giants." For all the prépa students out there, make sure you make the most of the resources available to you. They can really make a difference in your journey! Good luck. Lots of love ♥
A Vivid Day Full of Alumni and Naps
Today felt overwhelming. After classes, I took a nap and had a lot of vivid dreams. We also got to meet some alumni and connect with older students, which was pretty cool. Overall, I feel satisfied with how things are going, but at the same time, I feel a bit directionless. I’m not sure what exactly to focus on or how to move forward. I guess it's something I’ll figure out step by step as I go. :)
Settling in, Reflecting on Growth
I've settled into my room, and so far, despite everything, I'm still very happy with the choice I've made to go to my current engineering school. There are moments when the pressure feels a bit intense and currently my expectations are mixed. Yet, there's a strange comfort in this challenge. For the first time in a long while, I feel like I'm building the stairs to where I'm supposed to be.
These walls represents more than just an academic pursuit; it's a step towards the person I want to become. Every day is a reminder that I choose this, I choose this for myself and I am currently walking on the path I've chosen for msyelf, not just following the one laid out for me. I'm learning not just about software engineering, but about me, about how to carve out a space for myself even when it feels like the walls are closing in.
It's not always easy, especially when I think about the layers of my identity and the ways they intersect with the environment I'm in. But being here, in this room, in this school, is my declaration of independence. Heck, this personal blog, it's me saying that I refuse to fit into boxes that others might want to place me in. I am here as me, an artist, a programmer, a dreamer—living openly, even if just in small ways for now, of just being unapologetically myself.
Point is, I am choosing to embrace this chapter with all its messiness and beauty. Because, despite the challenges, I am growing. And right now, that's more than enough.
“Why fit in when you were born to stand out?”
― Dr. Seuss
Comp-Sci School, Tumblr, and YouTube Adventures
Welp, a lot of things happened, but then again, not that much. Officially joined a Comp-Sci school (🎉), tried posting stuff on Tumblr, which to be honest, I think most Homestuck folks are there. Oh yeah, and I uploaded a vid on Youtube (of a very ugly animatic/storyboard but let's not talk about that).
I learned a lot making Homestuck Epilogues french translation website on github. And that was a LOT of fun to make... I still need to share my localization notes...
Building Websites and Translating Homestuck
It's very nice building a website from scratch, you get to learn so many new things! And having to use HTML (plus BBCode and CSS) on AO3 and MSPFA is kinda cool too!
I never thought Notepad ++ is a good translation tool, but welp, here we are xD
ooh... aaand, I really need to compile somewhere my notes on Homestuck characters typing quirks in french... like, there is a LOT of potential... think of "b1" (read: 'bien'- good). That's literally the equivalent of Vriska's "gr8" (read: 'great'- superbe).
aaand, like, translating is super cool... when translating Dirk's long(ass) rant about memes... I found myself needing to change the word 'capture', etymology wise, and, woah, doing some fancy word research is very fun!
I know this website is like 80% english, but I would really love to actually make it trilingual! I mean, yeah you could rely on machine translation, but, I think it's much cooler to have a human version... like, actually a breathing someone behind the screen telling you stuff they really like.
Alright, that's more or less it... ooh... and school's starting soon. I'm excited for it, but also kinda (understandably) nervous? The iffy part is that I won't have as much time to do this random Homestuck stuff I like doing... the plus side is I would (maybe, probably, HOPEFULLY) learn some ACTUAL software development tricks... and hey, maybe an excuse to share my thoughts online on it?
It's been real guys, take care ✨
Translating Comics for Future Projects
Translating comics actually helped me understand better how text formatting and bubble speech work. I think that knownledge would be particularly useful for any future comics projects :)