Burnout & Taking a Gap Year
Uncle Iroh enjoying Jasmine tea. | Avatar: The Last Airbender | Nickelodeon
I feel this is a way for me to come clean and discuss my online disappearance (and, coincidentally, my offline one as well).
I’m still trying to figure things out, and I’m genuinely doing my best to understand what’s going on. However, I believe I’m in a much better place than I used to be.
I remember how clouded my mind was with heavy, dark thoughts and how hopeless I felt. I truly believe I’m feeling better—no, I absolutely know I am doing better. That’s why I’m writing this in the first place.
As I write, I’m trying to find a way to share the news of my gap year in a self-reflective manner. Unfortunately, words are failing me. All I can say with certainty is that this decision has been life-saving for me in more ways than one. I sincerely don’t think I could have made it through without stepping back from school and my responsibilities.
For starters, I’ve been “on the grind”…. for how long, now? Over four long goddamn years. Four years of brainless, soul-sucking studies, mathematics competitions, and everything else going on. Was it fun? A bit. Was it worth it? Absolutely not. Anxiety crippled me and drained the joy from the things I loved most. Naturally, burnout slowly crept in, and by the time I officially set foot in a new college, the black dog followed me everywhere like a shadow.
Thankfully, I received the help I desperately needed, and I’m incredibly grateful to everyone—whether in person, over the phone, or online—who offered comforting words during my lowest moments.
I’m off coursework and books, and better yet, I feel that day by day, the heavy burdens I carried are lessening. I’ve rediscovered colors and joy in what I used to do and in new activities I’ve started. It hasn’t been straightforward, let alone linear; I still have bad days, and sometimes I feel sad or fatigued, but I no longer feel as hopeless or devoid of vitality. My days have started to matter to me, and life has begun to gain meaning—not in a philosophical sense, but in a much more tangible way. I’ve reconnected with my family—whom I didn’t have the opportunity to see much during those two years of cram school—and I’ve also embraced hobbies like drawing, painting, learning Japanese, playing video games, web-building, and doll customization. All of this has brought a welcome new twist after those dark times.
My mind is still on a break from schoolwork and career-focused goals, and as my therapist told me, “it’ll come eventually.” I believe in his advice, and I don’t want to rush things. It’s unfortunate that our current world often values tangible metrics far more than the metaphysical. (Mental and physical) Well-being shouldn’t come at the expense of your career, schoolwork, or goals. Two years ago, I thought anyone who believed that was just looking for “excuses” not to work harder (read: overwork). I had a nasty little worm inside me, the one that always needs to feed and is never satisfied. [The Lorax calls it] “Pride.” But now, I’d gladly sit in the last row if it means I’m comfortable. For now, the greatest thing I want is peace.
Without love, it cannot be seen. Perfection and power are overrated. I think it’s very wise to choose happiness and love.
(I’m also re-watching Avatar btw ;3)